Alix in Wonderland

Multiple Sclerosis Meltdown

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I had a bit of a meltdown today.

I woke up in a body that did not feel strong.

My eyes open in the morning and my mind is 25 years young.

But my body does not feel like 25.

It feels weak. It feels fatigued. It feels unsteady.

Does everyone ache the way I do? Do they feel it at this age too?

I want to go out and explore the world.

I force myself to walk with my dog. Probably pushed too hard.

And after we both end up sleeping on the couch.

I don’t like feeling like my body is failing me.

I don’t like when the words “It’s not fair.” run across my mind for the millionth time.

It’s scary to know there is something wrong inside, something that no one can see.

Its unsettling to know that my own immune system is the thing hurting me.

I’m anxious for all the tomorrow’s and uncertainty they bring.

I am angry at my frantic mind for pulling me out of the present, out of calm.

Today I feel like 25 trapped in 93.

Today is what my husband and I call a “challenging day”.

It’s not bad, because it’s still my life and that is precious.

So we choose to look at this disease as a challenge.

Something that we can overcome.

I had a bit of a meltdown today.

But having good cry is not something that is wrong.

And although I may feel sick today I know

It’s what is on the inside that makes me MS Strong.

-A

 

3 Replies to “Multiple Sclerosis Meltdown”

  1. Very powerful post sweetie! I understand all too much! I mean I am just a little older than 25, but I am still only 36. I often feel more like 86 or more because my body seems to ache all the time! I really LOVE how you and your husband refer to these difficult days. They are just those challenging days that will get better. It might not be the following day things improve, but they will get better and with your great attitude and support from a fantastic husband, they will get better very very soon!!! I hope you are feeling somewhat better now and I hope you are able to have a very relaxing evening. I must say, YOU always inspire me and give me so MUCH HOPE! All my love sweetie!!

    Liked by 1 person

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